Cue the Pomp & Circumstance!

We graduated from our four week Lamaze class last night! And I'm happy to say that Will was able to make all the classes-- we'd been a little worried since he's out of town so much for work. But, we made it through together, and it was actually a pretty fun experience. We had a really fun nurse, Lisa, who was our teacher. She's been at Clear Lake Regional Hospital for almost twenty years. She liked Will right off the bat, too. He was the most forthcoming participant. While all the other soon-to-be dads sat there like a bumps on a log and had to be poked in the ribs by their significant others to so much as answer a question, Will was right there offering up all the information he'd retained or volunteering the be the guinea pig when she needed an assistant. He walked in the first day cracking jokes (as usual) and when she was preoccupied with setting up, he was letting people know what to do when they came in late. She really appreciated that and took a liking to him from there on out. Especially when we moved off our mats and into our classroom the first day-- after we'd all found our seats, she said, "Just so ya'll know, I'm really quirky and notice quirky things. I just noticed that only TWO of you helped your partners off the floor when we made the move to the classroom." I am so proud that Will was one of those two people. She had some high expectations of him after that. I laughed at us one day after class, because I can imagine everyone in there thought we were the teacher's pets, sitting front and center (really, we did!) I was also extra proud when Will volunteered to wear the "pregnancy weight backpack" (in the front of course) for the duration of the class so he could see what it felt like to lug all that weight around. It was funny seeing him try to get up, walk, or get comfortable. I'm sure all the girls in there were jealous of my awesome husband. :)

There were nine other couples in the class with us. Will and I have this habit of whenever we are around the same people (who are strangers) for any significant amount of time: we make up nicknames for them. It started on our honeymoon at Sandals, because you see the same people everywhere you go, but you don't know who the heck they are. Now, it's something we do all the time. So we had several nicknames for the people in our class, and we didn't really care that they wore name tags. We preferred their nicknames. Here's a few: The Disney People. On the first day, the men had to introduce us both, how far along we are, who our OB and pediatrician is, what we're going to name the baby, baby's sex, and nursery theme. This guy is the first one up (right before us.... because we're front and center, lol) and tells us that their nursery theme is Disney. Now, don't get me wrong. I love most everything Disney. I love Disney World/Land, Disney books, Disney movies. But that's where it's gotta stop for me, in my opinion. I had to guffaw a little bit, because it was about the most unoriginal theme I'd ever heard of (so sue me for my creativity.) Beyond this, one or the other wore some article of clothing Disney related for the remainder of the classes. Then, Will tells me last night after class in disbelief, "Get this." (The men had gone outside to make a list of things they were going to do to be helpful both during and after delivery.) "Disney Guy tells us that they've already planned a trip to Disney World two months after their baby is born.... and they're taking the baby with them! He said the baby was conceived at Disney, so they might as well take it back there when it's born!" I can't imagine walking around Disney World with a newborn in the August heat. Seriously? I know they are going to get that baby some Mickey Mouse ears with its name embroidered on it. Or a onesie that says "Future Mouseketeer" or something.  I found this couple to be, by far, the most annoying people in the class. She was worse than him, because she always had to put in her two cents. He asked about five times if there was a DVD connection to the TVs in the hospital. He was very concerned about this. He said he didn't want to watch the boring old hospital channels. What do you mean? Like the ones you get at home? It's cable, for cripes sake. And you're going to be there for 48 hours. You'll live. If Will dragged a DVD player to the hospital with his Scary Movie trilogy, I would kill him with my eyes alone. I think Nurse Lisa was annoyed by them too. I could just tell. Next up: The Baristas. They both worked at Starbucks, so that's self explanatory. They were young, tattooed, and both of them had their ear lobes stretched to disgusting lengths. She was cute in her own way, though. I liked her red hair. Storage Baby Couple: Oh my God. I almost fell out the first time I saw them because she was SO. PREGNANT. Like, way out there. When her man introduced them, he said, "We're almost 37 weeks pregnant...." WHAT?! 37 weeks? You signed up for a FOUR WEEK Lamaze class when you are 37 weeks?! You've got to be kidding me! Then when he got to the nursery theme, he laughed and said, "Well, I guess our nursery theme is JUNK, because that's what's in the nursery right now. It's our storage room and we haven't done anything with it." WHAAAAT??? You're 37 weeks pregnant and you haven't even cleaned out the room the baby is supposed to sleep in?! Get out of town! I would be freaking out. They thought it was funny. So, they became Storage Baby. The last couple I'm going to tell you about wasn't really a couple. It was two women, one of whom is pregnant, of course. But they weren't lesbians or anything. I think the other woman was either a relative or a friend. However, they were both very large women (and by very large, I mean more than 300 pounds each, and I am NOT being facetious), the non pregnant one had hot pink bangs, and the pregnant one wore a decorative eye patch and had her brunette hair dyed blonde, and it was obviously a home job. But the eye patch was really what did it for me. I called her One Eyed Wanda, and told Willie that her baby will probably come out with a peg leg. Arrrrrrrgh!

So we never actually learned any Lamaze breathing like you see in the movies, or what our moms did. I think that's just the term they use for an educational birthing class now. We got a book, a folder to keep all the handouts from each week, and we learned a lot of stuff about birthing a child that we never knew before. Important stuff, too-- how to time contractions (kind of important), different positions that help ease pain, what our partners are expected to do, our options when it comes to pain control and the delivery of those medications, cesareans, and just about anything you can think of when it comes to delivering a baby. And it was really helpful to have a professional to answer any questions you have. She's been there, done that. And yes, we watched a video of a birth. Several births; with analgesics, with an epidural, natural, a cesarean-- you name it, we saw it. The first one we saw, they were right up in there. And when that baby's head popped out, I couldn't help but to give a little burst of laughter. It was so silent, and there I was with this sudden chortle of incredulity. I played it off like it was emotional (it kind of was) but I think my emotions didn't know where to go, so it went to the default: laughing. I was a little flabbergasted. The cesarean was the worst by far. Wow. Now I know why they put that drape up, and it's not only to keep the environment sterile. It's so you won't freak out when you see your guts splayed open with forceps. Not cool. The best part of the class was "relaxation." That's where Lisa turned out the lights, played some Piano Tribute Players (pop tunes on the piano.... always tried to Name That Tune) on Spotify, and we got ten or fifteen minutes of massage. That was the best. Another part of the class was that we also got a tour of the hospital, and that was neat. Now we know exactly what to do, where to go, and what's going to happen when it all goes down. All the rooms are private with Jacuzzi tubs and flat screen TVs. They have a warmer in the room so the baby stays in the room with you (pretty sure that's the norm these days) and I really liked that. Plus, they have this great refrigerator filled with ice chips, popsicles, and ice cream. I can deal with that. There's an extra bed for your partner to stay with you overnight, and not a cot or pull out couch either. A real hospital bed. The nurses have "companion phones" so you can call your nurse directly at any time for anything. And, I really love that they have HUGS--it's an infant security system. They put an ankle bracelet on the baby immediately after birth that matches a bar code on my hospital bracelet. If anyone takes the baby outside of the safety zone-- too near an elevator or exit-- an alarm sounds and the entire hospital goes on lockdown. The call for Code Pink and the elevators shut down and all the doors lock immediately. The zone is shown by circular tiles in the floor. That is really awesome. Clear Lake Regional is also a Texas Ten Step hospital, which is a prestigious designation developed by the Texas Hospital Association and the Texas Department of State Health Services that promotes breastfeeding through policy development, maternity care practices, resources, and training. They are very strict about this. They will not give anything artificial (bottles or pacifiers) to any breastfeeding baby. I was happy about that, too. 

I was born at Clear Lake Regional when it was Humana Hospital. So it's really neat that I'm going to have my child in the same hospital that I was born. I am so thankful that Will has been so proactive in this whole experience. He makes me proud that he's my husband. Now, all there is to do is wait. See you soon, little baby.

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